Non fish-related entry
Ok, I'm going to take a break from fish today and talk about Food Network. Mainly the shows and people I absolutely hate on Food Network. So get ready for some expletives and off-color remarks.
My wife and I went without cable, and basically all of TV, for more than half a year. We finally gave in after Netflix didn't turn out to be as great as it sounded and picked up digital cable.
Food TV is a really fun channel to watch consistently. If you've ever read The Debt to Pleasure by John Lanchester, you'll know there are a lot of insane personalities out there who devote their lives to culinary arts. Now, I'm not saying some Food Network cooks are sociopathic serial killers like Tarquin Winot, but damn, there are some highly obnoxious personalities on channel 59.
Let's start with the easiest and arguably most pathetic target, Rachel Ray.
Her show Inside Dish was well into its embarassingly bad first season when we killed the lights on our cable. I was frankly stunned this show continued to air beyond the pilot where Rachel went to Dennis Franz's house and blatantly hit on him (repeatedly and moronically) in front of his wife and daughter. To give you an idea of how painful (and morbidly fascinating) this episode was, Dennis at one point said one of his favorite movies was "Dressed to Kill," you know, that really strange and bad Brian De Palma movie where Michael Cain is a serial killing crossdresser. Immediately Rachel Ray gushes and says how much she looooooooooooooves that movie... you could see Franz's wife and daughter cringing from her volume and ass kissing. It's a wonder the Franzes didn't have to call in a NEST team to decontiminate Rachel's screeching, gushing, hyperactive presence from their house after she and the Food TV crew left.
Rachel humiliates herself so often over three different food tv shows I have to wonder if she actually thinks she's being cool in this dorky girl kind of way, which she is most certainly not. Watching Rachel Ray is kinda like sending in a Turret-syndrome afflicted home school girl into a vicious high school clique and paying the girls to pretend to like her... it's a trainwreck, sure, but you can't deny the fact that it is entertaining.
I have some more stuff to say about Rachel but let's move on with the roast, shall we?
Next is Bobby Flay. Man, I really hate this asshole. He's an arrogant hack whose main focus is barbecue, if that tells you anything. I find BBQ at best bland and at worst disgusting. What Bobby Flay does to BBQ is one step above grilling cow patties and basting them in spider monkey gravy. His abrasive personality only makes things worse... and the fact this dumbass is a featured chef on Iron Chef America says a lot, doesn't it?
Speaking of Iron Chef America, let's talk about the personality I hate most on Food TV, which is Alton Brown.
His skits are stupid. His jokes aren't funny. He's a complete tool and poser. I take issue with half of the information publicized on his show, and I can find at least one thing he does or says which is flat-out wrong. The best thing on the show is when we thankfully cut away to a commercial and get an interesting factoid about some food or way of cooking or other.
This guy could ruin a glass of orange juice (and I'm sure he's done so on one show already). To illustrate: one episode he discussed BLT's, and he made it so complicated that BLT's were no longer a sandwhich but a goddamn salad that took 18 hours to come together. Basically you have to have an industrial grade kitchen and the Q-lab from James Bond in your kitchen cabinets to even contemplate making this guy's lame-ass recipes.
For the life of me I don't get why this show is so popular. This guy should be sent to the same high school clique where we sent Rachel Ray, then maybe I'd find his antics entertaining as he gets humiliated and beaten on a daily basis. It doesn't help matters my wife likes him and GOOD EATS is her favorite show next to Barefoot Contessa.
Now back to Rachel. Now, I'm not denying the fact she is kind of hot in that chubby kindergarten teacher kind of way, but then she has to open her mouth and flash her DSL all over Food Network (and no, I am not talking about Internet connections when I say DSL). If you watch the first or second season of 30 Minute Meals, you'll see that Rachel was at one time respectable. But then she had to take over Food TV and give Emeril a run for his money. It's like they've given her carte blanche on the channel and she has no supervisor anymore to tell her to fall back into line, that everyone else is getting sick of her smoker's voice, grating laughter, and weird, totally phony sorority girl-like demeanor. I am actually embarassed to see her behavior in public in her traveling shows cause you know the waiters and everyone else are laughing their asses off at her after she leaves.
Well, there you have it. The three people I dislike most on Food TV. Now for the personalities I like: Ina Garten of Barefoot Contessa (my favorite show... the music is great, like an early 1990s cinemax softcore porno made with a Casio keyboard, and seeing all the yuppies in their sweater vests in the Hamptons cracks me up every time), Emeril (yeah he's also a tool but I like his presentations and he makes some great food), Sandra Lee (she boozes it up on her show and has some good tips now and then, also more good Casio keyboard music), and a couple other excellent show and hosts that have been pushed to Saturday morning and Friday afternoon time slots no thanks to goddamned Rachel Ray.
- Josh Day
http://joshday.com
My wife and I went without cable, and basically all of TV, for more than half a year. We finally gave in after Netflix didn't turn out to be as great as it sounded and picked up digital cable.
Food TV is a really fun channel to watch consistently. If you've ever read The Debt to Pleasure by John Lanchester, you'll know there are a lot of insane personalities out there who devote their lives to culinary arts. Now, I'm not saying some Food Network cooks are sociopathic serial killers like Tarquin Winot, but damn, there are some highly obnoxious personalities on channel 59.
Let's start with the easiest and arguably most pathetic target, Rachel Ray.
Her show Inside Dish was well into its embarassingly bad first season when we killed the lights on our cable. I was frankly stunned this show continued to air beyond the pilot where Rachel went to Dennis Franz's house and blatantly hit on him (repeatedly and moronically) in front of his wife and daughter. To give you an idea of how painful (and morbidly fascinating) this episode was, Dennis at one point said one of his favorite movies was "Dressed to Kill," you know, that really strange and bad Brian De Palma movie where Michael Cain is a serial killing crossdresser. Immediately Rachel Ray gushes and says how much she looooooooooooooves that movie... you could see Franz's wife and daughter cringing from her volume and ass kissing. It's a wonder the Franzes didn't have to call in a NEST team to decontiminate Rachel's screeching, gushing, hyperactive presence from their house after she and the Food TV crew left.
Rachel humiliates herself so often over three different food tv shows I have to wonder if she actually thinks she's being cool in this dorky girl kind of way, which she is most certainly not. Watching Rachel Ray is kinda like sending in a Turret-syndrome afflicted home school girl into a vicious high school clique and paying the girls to pretend to like her... it's a trainwreck, sure, but you can't deny the fact that it is entertaining.
I have some more stuff to say about Rachel but let's move on with the roast, shall we?
Next is Bobby Flay. Man, I really hate this asshole. He's an arrogant hack whose main focus is barbecue, if that tells you anything. I find BBQ at best bland and at worst disgusting. What Bobby Flay does to BBQ is one step above grilling cow patties and basting them in spider monkey gravy. His abrasive personality only makes things worse... and the fact this dumbass is a featured chef on Iron Chef America says a lot, doesn't it?
Speaking of Iron Chef America, let's talk about the personality I hate most on Food TV, which is Alton Brown.
His skits are stupid. His jokes aren't funny. He's a complete tool and poser. I take issue with half of the information publicized on his show, and I can find at least one thing he does or says which is flat-out wrong. The best thing on the show is when we thankfully cut away to a commercial and get an interesting factoid about some food or way of cooking or other.
This guy could ruin a glass of orange juice (and I'm sure he's done so on one show already). To illustrate: one episode he discussed BLT's, and he made it so complicated that BLT's were no longer a sandwhich but a goddamn salad that took 18 hours to come together. Basically you have to have an industrial grade kitchen and the Q-lab from James Bond in your kitchen cabinets to even contemplate making this guy's lame-ass recipes.
For the life of me I don't get why this show is so popular. This guy should be sent to the same high school clique where we sent Rachel Ray, then maybe I'd find his antics entertaining as he gets humiliated and beaten on a daily basis. It doesn't help matters my wife likes him and GOOD EATS is her favorite show next to Barefoot Contessa.
Now back to Rachel. Now, I'm not denying the fact she is kind of hot in that chubby kindergarten teacher kind of way, but then she has to open her mouth and flash her DSL all over Food Network (and no, I am not talking about Internet connections when I say DSL). If you watch the first or second season of 30 Minute Meals, you'll see that Rachel was at one time respectable. But then she had to take over Food TV and give Emeril a run for his money. It's like they've given her carte blanche on the channel and she has no supervisor anymore to tell her to fall back into line, that everyone else is getting sick of her smoker's voice, grating laughter, and weird, totally phony sorority girl-like demeanor. I am actually embarassed to see her behavior in public in her traveling shows cause you know the waiters and everyone else are laughing their asses off at her after she leaves.
Well, there you have it. The three people I dislike most on Food TV. Now for the personalities I like: Ina Garten of Barefoot Contessa (my favorite show... the music is great, like an early 1990s cinemax softcore porno made with a Casio keyboard, and seeing all the yuppies in their sweater vests in the Hamptons cracks me up every time), Emeril (yeah he's also a tool but I like his presentations and he makes some great food), Sandra Lee (she boozes it up on her show and has some good tips now and then, also more good Casio keyboard music), and a couple other excellent show and hosts that have been pushed to Saturday morning and Friday afternoon time slots no thanks to goddamned Rachel Ray.
- Josh Day
http://joshday.com
posted by Josh Day at 10:26 AM
2 Comments:
hey josh!
i have to say that entry absolutely cracked me up! i also like watching food network, but my pick is paula dean. good, simple, southern cookin'! mmmm! i agree with you on rachel ray--i watched once to see what all the fuss is about and haven't tuned in since--just doesn't interest me somehow. anyway, hope you're doing well!
Ok, I'm a crazy foodie and religious watcher of the Food Network, so I just have to chime in.
First, I totally agree that Rachel Ray is beyond annoying. I used to love her back when she was fresh and not spastic (is it just me or does she always seem to be buzzed). I think that it only lasted one season. I do have several of her cookbooks and still love to watch the old $40 a day shows - I've made a point to check out some of the places on our travels. Sadly, I can’t watch her new stuff – did you know she has her own monthly magazine now? It’s called “Everyday with Rachel Ray,” it absolutely horrifies me.
Second, come on, you don't like Alton? He's the food science guy. True, he is a dork and they put way too much effort into writing a 'plot' for a half hour cooking show, but he has some pretty sweet tips. I did buy 2 of his books for Paul last Christmas; they have WAY too much info, but helpful tidbits in the margins. We have a bad habit of watching his show at 7pm, it’s either him or Everybody Loves Raymond (I hated the show until I was married, now it’s way too easy to relate!)
Eh, I can live without Bobby Flay. He has a ‘tude that I just can’t stand. And don’t get me started on the California prick, Michael Chiarello. Sandra Lee is a freak of nature – she looks like a lollipop and seriously needs a bra (did I just say that?)
I do like watching Ina Garten on Saturdays – they featured her on their “Chefography” show recently. ‘Gotta love her story, having money can get you anything. I adore her house and amazing gardens, she’s got it easy being able to walk out your back door and cut all the fresh herbs and flowers for your daily dinner parties. Paul swears that woman puts more butter and cream into her food than all Food TV chefs combined. We do have one of her books and we’ve mastered her “panzanella” – delicious with ripe summer veggies: http://www.foodnetwork.com/food/recipes/recipe/0,,FOOD_9936_31587,00.html
Sadly I could go on, but the caffeine from my coffee is wearing off. I can’t imagine being without cable and our DVR. Strangely we somehow lived without it the first 6 months of our marriage…
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